Taylor Swift's "Better Man" Meaning: A Full Heartbreaking Analysis

Taylor Swift’s Better Man is about leaving a relationship, but still missing her ex and wishing it had all turned out differently. It’s about bravery, courage, and not compromising your worth in a relationship.

‘But wait,’ I hear you say, ‘there’s already a very famous Pearl Jam song called Better Man that’s about almost exactly the same thing!’

Yes, there is. And there are way more parallels than just the title.

Here’s my full English teacher analysis of Taylor Swift’s Better Man meaning, and why it’s suspiciously similar to that infamous Eddie Vedder track from the 90s.

Better Man (Taylor’s Version) [From the Vault]

Title: Better Man (Taylor’s Version) [From the Vault]
Track: 25, Red (Taylor’s Version)
Written By: Taylor Swift
Pen: Fountain
Lyrics via Genius

Better Man Narrative Summary

Setting: After escaping a toxic (and possibly abusive?) relationship, but still missing her ex.
Characters: Narrator (Taylor), subject (her ex, “you,” who should have been “a better man”)
Theme: toxic relationships.
Mood: Regretful, in denial, afraid.
Conflict: He treated her very, very badly, but she still misses him.
Inciting Incident: She “ran” away from the relationship.
Quest: Hype herself up to stay away from him.
Lesson: Stay far, far away from this man, even though it hurts.

What is Better Man About?

Better Man describes the narrator’s inner monologue after leaving a toxic relationship. She wishes things would have turned out differently, and dreams that if only he had been a “better man,” things would have worked out.

Who is Better Man About?

Taylor has never explicitly revealed who Better Man may have been inspired by. Most fans assume that it’s about the central toxic relationship of the Red album, inspired by Taylor’s short romance with actor Jake Gyllenhaal.

But moreover, Better Man is about the doubt one feels after making difficult decisions. It’s about listening to your gut, and not backtracking after you’ve finally gotten out of a tough situation.

Keep in mind that Better Man might not be from Taylor’s perspective at all, and could be from someone else’s point of view.

Pearl Jam’s Better Man vs Taylor Swift’s Better Man

The lyrics of Pearl Jam’s Better Man narrate the story of a woman in a toxic (and possibly abusive) relationship, who wants to get out, but feels she won’t ever find a “better man.” She’s scared of being alone, and is trying to get up the courage to finally leave.

Vedder sings about his protagonist, “Waitin’, watchin’ the clock, it’s four o’clock, it’s got to stop / Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech.” She rehearses what she’s going to say in the mirror to confront her abuser, but then she loses courage.

“She lies and says she’s in love with him,” Vedder sings, “Can’t find a better man.” She’s lying to herself, but all the while, “She dreams in color, she dreams in red.” Her life is currently stuck in black and white, but in her dreams, she can live in screaming color, and feel all the “red” emotions that she’s been numb to inside this abusive relationship.

“She loved him,” Vedder sings, “She don’t want to leave this way.” She’s trying to reconcile what she still feels for him with how he behaved in the relationship, and waffles back and forth about whether she will finally run.

In Taylor’s Version (forgive the pun), our narrator follows a very similar story. She rehearses what she’ll say in the mirror, but for Taylor, she’s trying to talk herself into not going back to this toxic man.

I propose, as I will further elaborate in the lyrical analysis, that Taylor’s Better Man is a kind of reply to Pearl Jam’s Better Man, but from the perspective of the woman after she’s left her abusive partner.

Taylor Swift’s Better Man Meaning: Line by Line

Annotated portions of Taylor Swift's "Better Man" lyrics. An English teacher's red pen highlights hidden meanings, translates tricky lyrics, points out literary and poetic devices, and helps the reader understand the meaning of the song.
The intro and first verse lyrics read: "I know I'm probably better off on my own

Than lovin’ a man who didn't know what he had when he had it

And I see the permanent damage you did to me

Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic

I wish it wasn't 4AM, standin’ in the mirror

Saying to myself, "You know you had to do it"

I know the bravest thing I ever did was run"

“I know I’m probably better off on my own,” she opens the first verse, “Than lovin’ a man who didn’t know what he had when he had it.”

This sets up the central conflict of the song: knowing vs. feeling. She knows he’s bad for her, and he never appreciated her when they were together, but she still feels love toward him.

“And I see the permanent damage you did to me,” she says of his abuse. The “permanent damage” is the catalyst for this song: her self-doubt and insecurities lead her to believe she won’t find a “better man.”

“Never again,” she resolves, promising she’ll never go back, “I just wish I could forget when it was magic.” Like her memories in All Too Well and We Were Happy, the magical moments of the relationship make it that much harder to believe how it ended.

“I wish it wasn’t 4AM, standin’ in the mirror,” she says, “Saying to myself, ‘You know you had to do it’.” Like in Pearl Jam’s version, she’s “watching the clock, it’s 4 o’clock.” She’s talking to herself in the mirror at 4am, just like Pearl Jam’s “Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech.”

In Pearl Jam’s song, the “speech” she practices is rehearsing the breakup, getting up the courage to leave. But in Taylor’s version, she’s trying to talk herself into not going back.

“I know the bravest thing I ever did was run,” Taylor assures herself. But right now, she’s not feeling brave.

Our narrator wishes she could be self-assured, and know she absolutely made the right decision like in Dear Reader and it’s time to go, but this 4am breakdown makes it hard to see clearly.

🧣Do you really know Red? Try the Red TV Lyrics Quiz! 🧣

Chorus: “I Just Miss You and I Wish You Were a Better Man”

“Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again,” she says in the chorus, the ghost of his presence haunting her.

In Pearl Jam’s version, the protagonist actually does feel the presence of her man, but “As he opens the door, she rolls over / Pretends to sleep as he looks her over.”

Taylor’s version, taking place after this character has left the relationship, imagines this moment happening again, the ghost of her past coming back to haunt her.

She knows these ghosts aren’t real, “But I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man,” she ruminates. By the end of the song, we’ll see that pretty much any man would be better than this one, just like in Pearl Jam’s version.

“I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand,” she says, retracing her steps to see how she got here, “But I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man.”

“Like the back of my hand” recalls a line from Breathe: “you’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand / And I can’t breathe without you, but I have to.” The same sentiment is reflected here: she knows all the reasons why, but it doesn’t make it any easier to exist without him.

Verse 2: “I Waited on Every Careless Word”

The second verse gives us more context as to why this man was so terrible.

“I know I’m probably better off all alone,” she says, “Than needing a man who could change his mind at any given minute.” Like the toxic males of All Too Well and Dear John, this guy is fickle, stringing her along and playing mind games.

“And it was always on your terms, I waited on every careless word,” she says, waiting for words of assurance that only turn out to be insults. All the while, she’s hoping that his words “might turn sweet again like it was in the beginning.”

This implies a two-faced, Jekyll & Hyde-type character who flips on a dime. In Pearl Jam’s version, the protagonist similarly “Swears she knew him, now she swears he’s gone.” The version she fell in love with and the version she got seem to be two different people.

It’s important to note that this is classic abusive behavior: love bombing to reel her in, then once he has her, his real toxic nature comes to the surface.

“But your jealousy, oh, I can hear it now,” she says, flashing back to his moments of rage, “Talking down to me like I’d always be around.” This sounds an awful lot like verbal abuse.

He would “Push my love away like it was some kind of loaded gun,” like her love was something that could kill him. But in using this “loaded gun” metaphor, she’s also describing the danger of their relationship: it could have been deadly.

“Oh, you never thought I’d run,” she says to him. The verbiage is important here. She’s running away from this person. She’s not just “leaving”, not just “saying goodbye,” not “ignoring calls.” She’s running away from him, because he’s dangerous in more ways than one.

Bridge: “I Hold Onto This Pride”

“I hold onto this pride because, these days, it’s all I have,” she reflects in the bridge. Her remaining pride – or what’s left of after what he took – is the lifeboat she clings to.

She should be proud that she left, and proud that she’s staying away. But “all I have” implies her devastation that she no longer has him.

“And I gave to you my best,” she says, “And we both know you can’t say that.” Like in happiness, peace, and You’re Losing Me, she gave this relationship everything she had.

“We both know you can’t say that” means that he didn’t even try to give his best. He gave her his worst, and he should be ashamed.

“I wish you were a better man,” she repeats, trying to change everything about the past, “I wonder what we would’ve become if you were a better man.” But what this really means is: ‘I wonder what I would have become if you were a better man.’

If he had treated her with kindness, and not been an abusive monster, would she still be carrying all this trauma?

“We might still be in love if you were a better man,” she says, which is like saying, ‘I could have loved you if you were an entirely different person.’

“You would’ve been the one if you were a better man,” she says, which is like saying, ‘I could have married you if you were someone else altogether.’

But he’s not, and we know he’s not. She’s trying to reconcile where she is with where she’s been, but in abusive relationships, there is no logic. There is only a messy entanglement of emotions that never gets clearer.

Outro: “We Might Still Be in Love if You Were a Better Man”

“Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again,” she repeats in the final chorus. But at this point, we have to wonder: does she feel the ghost of him because she misses him, or because she’s traumatized?

“We might still be in love, if you were a better man,” our narrator says. Her head knows this isn’t true, but her heart still holds out hope.

“You would’ve been the one if you were a better man,” she concludes. But as the reader, we can see that there is a better man out there. It’s just not him, and it never will be.

Like in Pearl Jam’s version, “She loved him / She don’t want to leave this way.” She was in love, but it was the wrong kind of love. And in the future, she will find a “better man” who treats her the way every human deserves to be treated.

He was never the one, and he’ll never be a “better man,” because he’s hardly a man at all.

Better Man Meaning: Final Thoughts

As a reply to Pearl Jam’s song, Taylor’s Better Man expands the story of the protagonist, giving us more context, more emotion, and more insight. Pearl Jam narrated what it was like getting up the courage to leave, and Taylor narrates what happens after the woman finally gets out.

Whether Taylor’s version of Better Man is actually from Taylor’s perspective is intriguing, but it’s not really the point. If you’re a woman who has been in an abusive relationship, both versions of Better Man – no matter who is narrating – resonate with you deeply.

Taylor has captured exactly what it feels like to finally get up the guts to leave, and then be overwhelmed with doubt and regret. It’s always the right decision to leave a toxic relationship, but it doesn’t make it any easier to stay gone.

🧣Do you really know Red? Try the Red TV Lyrics Quiz! 🧣

More Songs From Red (Taylor’s Version)

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